How Green was My Valley? I'm not Sure...

A little while back, my friend Karen (you'd love her, she's adorable) asked me if I knew where she could get a Green sofa; Green as in the lifestyle, not the color.  As much as I love being asked questions (ego stroking) and as much as I love helping people (self induced ego stroking), I was actually at a loss.  I had no idea where to get Green furniture.



A green sofa from http://www.ifgreen.com/.  I love that they're
doing the sustainable thing, but it looks like a park bench
with padding.  What if you happen to like arms on a
sofa?

 If you hadn't figured it out, I'm not especially enamored with the Green lifestyle that has come into fashion.  I am proud to say that I recycle absolutely everything, my light bulbs are CFL's, and I walk, rather than drive, as much as possible.  I do not, however, want to live in a rehabilitated shipping crate with a windmill in my front yard and corn growing on my roof.  I feel I'm a normal person with environmental concerns, but I'm realistic in my capacities.  I am in no way a Green Living super hero.  So while Karen's inquiry made me feel highly capable, I wondered where on earth she got the idea that I'd know anything at all.



The 'Swamp Thing' dining set from DB Furniture. 
Made of reclaimed wood and metal.
For times when you don't want company to stay

very long, or enjoy themselves.

Not wanting to look like an idiot, I began a mad hunt for Green furniture.  It wasn't pretty.  It was plywood.  It was post consumer product.  It was hideous.  If people really want Green to consume the masses, it needs to be attractive so they'll want it.  It does not need to look like Sanford and Son.  I assumed Karen wanted something attractive, and I just wasn't finding it.

In a fit of frustration, I found the solution, which was glaringly obvious.  I told Karen to go to a Thrift Shop, a Vintage shop, or a Garage Sale and get her Green fix there.  While I'm sure this shocked her, the logic made perfect sense.  Instead of buying something Green and new, be Green and buy something old that would eventually end up in a landfill.  You can not get much Greener than by reusing something old, and you will end up spending less, as anything tagged 'Green' is usually three times the price of what it's actually worth. 

Tuxedo sofas like this one are classics and work in any
interior.  Look past the blue Velour and think of a
bold graphic or a sublte Suede.

I instructed her to look for a size and profile that she liked and ignore what fabric was on it or if the springs were shot (most people can't get beyond orange velour or Naugahyde, but I told her to try).  When she finds a frame she likes, she can have it reupholstered in a Green fabric and have the best of both worlds.  Thankfully, companies like Schumacher, Robert Allen and Kravet are all making Green fabrics with Earth friendly dyes and sustainably harvested natural fibers (synthetic fibers are muder on the environment).  And as a boon to people with taste, they're actually attractive; cotton velvets, beautiful printed linens, and matelasses abound. 

So, next time you're faced with the overwhelming urge to be extra special Green, don't get caught up in the trend and look past the obvious.  The easiest solution is sometimes the best, for you and the environment.

- Ian 





Vintage sofas like this can be found at almost any Salvation Army.
While it's covered in a very awful floral Brocade, it would be a gem
if recovered in Mohair, Tweed, or Leather.

If the Sugar Doesn't Get Them, the Open Flame Will.

I can't tell you how many octogenarian birthday parties I've been to over the years.  Mind you, I wasn't invited to any of them, but when you see a motorcade of cars parked around an old persons house, you automatically think 'Estate Sale' and hope for the best.  But when you get inside, all you find are people, and none of them with exact change for your purchases.  The elderly can be so deceptive; this is why I don't like them.

 

While I do enjoy loitering in the homes of strangers and distracting myself in questionable ways (mainly stealing prescription medication and going through personal effects), a birthday is a worthy distraction from petty theft.  Who could argue with presents and balloons and free food?   The cake is always the great equalizer of any birthday squatter situation; in fact, the world would be better if there were more cake in general.  Just not Black Forest, nobody likes Black Forest.  Ask your friends.  If any of them know what it is, I'm almost positive they won't like it. 

At a Birthday party, it's always disheartening when the host gets literal and plugs the cake with as many candles as years 'celebrated' in an attempt to be funny.  Some of those sugar laden fireballs don't make it out of the kitchen before they start setting off the smoke detectors.  No one likes having to keep a fire blanket and a bucket of sand at the ready, even if they do like playing with fire, and no one likes fishing 85 used candles out of a soggy cake.



A little plastic candelabra provides a much
cleaner and far more elegant solution to
the over-perforation of cake.
The candelabra has a spike in the base
that provides stability. 

 Here's an amusing and stylish suggestion for your next party that calls for a cake and candles, minus the burned retinas and welders mask...it's the Cake Candelabra!  Part efficient use of space, part Liberace Camp, part waste of money, 100% fun.  A little plastic do-dad that sticks into the top of your cake providing ambient lighting and a tongue-in cheek-homage to the birthday bonfire tradition.  And depending on the age of the celebrant, it may bring back fond memories of life before electricity.  Instant conversation topic! 

The elderly love talking about the good old days before central heating and Polio vaccines.  They could go on for hours, usually saying the same thing over and over, but that's precious time you could be using to five finger small valuables and make your get away unnoticed with free cake and a few presents. 

-Ian



  

The Cake Candelabra, by Fred.

It's only 10.00! 

Available from Amazon.com and Urban Outfitters.









Don't say 'Broke', c'est 'Casse'

Irony with a witty hint of copyright infringement.
Chutzpah is 9/10 of the Law.

 Friends, there has never been a more opportune time to be short of funds.  It's as if the stars have aligned and spread the lack of wealth to people near and far, unifying us all under a new umbrella of devastating desirability.  How passe are the weekends in San Tropez, expensive cars, and celebrity chefs.  It's much more au currant to have a staycation, a bike ride through the canals of Venice (CA, not IT) and lunch from a Food Truck.  

It's almost laughable to even think about having money in the bank, because who's does that anymore?  Everyone who's anyone is getting rid of theirs; streamlining their assets.  How gauche to just keep money laying around...it's so common, and slightly rude.  Nowadays, it's really quite chic to to live hand to mouth (or as I like to call it, main au bouche.  Everything sounds better in French).  At the risk of being terribly cliche, Broke is the new Black.


I know not everyone shares my sentiments...there will always be Philistines in the Temple of J'adore.  But for those of us who seek to make the best of our situation, I say, do it as only you can.  Style, personality, and finesse transcend all budgets.  Instinct and exquisite wit will be your currency.  No exchanges or refund.  The Nouveau Pauvre have spoken.   





Bread and cheese has been the go to food for the
impoverished for centuries.  Take it uptown with
Artisan fromage and Pain Rustique.

Economizing danse la maison is remarkably easy and so very in.  For starters, entertain at home.  Dig out that One Dish Meal cookbook you never open, along with that Crock Pot you never thought you'd use.  Guests will be delighted at your ingenuity and ironic sense of humor.  Slow-cooked haute cuisine on melamine will be the talk of the farmers market.  And imagine the fun of a grilled cheese dinner party given on the patio with soda from glass bottles and whoopie pies for dessert.  Comfort food is the new Mr. Chow. 

If you're strapped for cash you'll find yourself growing surprisingly svelte as you pass up meals in order to afford putting gas in your car.  Take this opportunity to re-imagine your suddenly well fitting wardrobe.  Develop a 'signature style'.  People won't think you're wearing the same thing over and over out of necessity or ennui, but out of a personal commitment to higher common sense.  You will recruit devotees with this mindset and become the leader you always knew you could be. Mix colors and patterns in ways you never would have before.  Optimism is bold and daring.  You will incite envy and rage in your adversaries. 

Less is more, so live accordingly.  Liberate your home from the superfluous, useless, and tacky.  A cluttered home is a cluttered mind.  How can you live to your full potential if you can't see your closet floor?  As William Morris preached, surround yourself only with the useful and beautiful, and sell the rest on eBay (that part is mine).  You'd be amazed what people in Middle America will buy.

Above all, live you life fully, honestly, and beautifully.  Style and substance are free; you can buy everything else (then take it back the next day).

- Ian