Sunday, April 10, 2011

If the Sugar Doesn't Get Them, the Open Flame Will.

I can't tell you how many octogenarian birthday parties I've been to over the years.  Mind you, I wasn't invited to any of them, but when you see a motorcade of cars parked around an old persons house, you automatically think 'Estate Sale' and hope for the best.  But when you get inside, all you find are people, and none of them with exact change for your purchases.  The elderly can be so deceptive; this is why I don't like them.
While I do enjoy loitering in the homes of strangers and distracting myself in questionable ways (mainly stealing prescription medication and going through personal effects), a birthday is a worthy distraction from petty theft.  Who could argue with presents and balloons and free food?   The cake is always the great equalizer of any birthday squatter situation; in fact, the world would be better if there were more cake in general.  Just not Black Forest, nobody likes Black Forest.  Ask your friends.  If any of them know what it is, I'm almost positive they won't like it. 

At a Birthday party, it's always disheartening when the host gets literal and plugs the cake with as many candles as years 'celebrated' in an attempt to be funny.  Some of those sugar laden fireballs don't make it out of the kitchen before they start setting off the smoke detectors.  No one likes having to keep a fire blanket and a bucket of sand at the ready, even if they do like playing with fire, and no one likes fishing 85 used candles out of a soggy cake.

A little plastic candelabra provides a much
cleaner and far more elegant solution to
the over-perforation of cake.
The candelabra has a spike in the base
that provides stability. 
 Here's an amusing and stylish suggestion for your next party that calls for a cake and candles, minus the burned retinas and welders's the Cake Candelabra!  Part efficient use of space, part Liberace Camp, part waste of money, 100% fun.  A little plastic do-dad that sticks into the top of your cake providing ambient lighting and a tongue-in cheek-homage to the birthday bonfire tradition.  And depending on the age of the celebrant, it may bring back fond memories of life before electricity.  Instant conversation topic! 

The elderly love talking about the good old days before central heating and Polio vaccines.  They could go on for hours, usually saying the same thing over and over, but that's precious time you could be using to five finger small valuables and make your get away unnoticed with free cake and a few presents. 


The Cake Candelabra, by Fred.
It's only 10.00! 
Available from and Urban Outfitters.

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